Part 3 of 5:
This is a difficult subject for me to write about. I have been dealing with judgments for as long as I can remember. I now realize that when I think I am being judged, it is really me dealing with my own judgments. I am struggling with that and I am not sure why I am holding on to that negative emotion. It really is getting better but I do have a long way to go.
Writing the book about Stephanie has me facing this subject head on. Not only people judging the lifestyle that she lived but also judging how we dealt with her disappearance, how I grew up, just everything about me and this book.
I really have learned by writing this book, that I have to live in my own truth and not be concerned with anyone else’s opinion. One of my mentors, Sunny Dawn Johnston, states it beautifully, “Your opinion of me is none of my business”. For me, it is really easier said than done. I am a work in progress and I really am learning to live my truth. We all are on different life paths and are here to experience different things. Judgments are really other people not understanding their own truth and therefore judging those they envy.
I find that I am more concerned with those that are closest to me. My husband, especially but my children as well. I want them to proud of me and not ashamed. I don’t think that they are but I still fear that. I know that this fear is just a made up story that my mind is creating, but I still struggle. I guess we are human and it is definitely one of my life lessons that I must achieve. Being vulnerable is my way of letting judgment creep in and toy with my emotions. I believe it is how I deal with those emotions and those that are judging is my lesson. I will continue to learn about judgment and how I can conquer this dense emotion that envelopes me almost daily.
This book about Stephanie, “By Your Side”, is me putting that fear of judgment out there. As the release date is getting closer, I am getting more and more nervous. Stephanie’s tragedy and the writing of this book has and will continue to be extremely therapeutic for me. I am now ready to face that which taunts me. I have God and the Angels looking out for me and I will be so much further in my spiritual development. Being on the other side of the judgment I know will offer me the opportunities to help others with their struggles on judgment and that I am grateful for.