Second of five about Stephanie:
While writing Stephanie’s story it occurred to me that I am incredibly nervous about showing my vulnerability. Most of us are, as it seems to be a sign of weakness. If I were to talk to someone else about their vulnerability I would say that they are amazingly strong to have their vulnerability shine through. When it comes to my own, I do not feel the same way.
While speaking to one of my mentor’s about this very subject, she asked me what was holding me back from showing that side. I told her that I wanted my children to see me as being strong. I hadn’t realized what I had said because being capable of opening yourself up to being emotionally wounded is really quite brave.
I always have been one to hide myself from others because I didn’t want to get hurt by being made fun of or being judged. I am now realizing that part of my spiritual path is to open my heart and to be ready for my inner feelings, which includes that vulnerability I have hidden inside and letting it shine. I cannot move forward until I do.
This book has not only opened my eyes to my own vulnerability but I now recognize her’s as well. I see and feel that this is going to be a pretty big lesson for me, which I really had no idea.
In a way I feel like I am betraying Stephanie because I am showing more about the story than most people knew. Not only with Stephanie but all of the other key players. Showing her lifestyle is something I know now she would not be proud of but it is opening up her vulnerable side that helps her, I believe even now, in addition to others who may read this blog. Most definitely, myself. Letting everyone see her inner humanly struggles will allow people to know her true self. Not the drug using, promiscuous, unhealthy, lost young woman seeking to find her own truth, but her absolute divinely lit, soul. We all have our struggles that we need to work through in order to find our way back to the path that leads us to God.
Thinking more about opening myself up and showing that wounded emotional side, got me thinking about the 25 years I worked at the Federal Prison. Because I had to hide my real self so that the inmates would not be interested in manipulating me, I now know that it has affected me to the point where I am nervous about showing my inner wounds.
This process will be slow but I believe that recognizing publicly through this blog, I am well on my way. While writing the book about my sister, I do remember hiding my tears as I walked through those days and feelings that I had both while working at the Federal Prison and being at home in front of my children. Those feelings were buried layer upon layer of other emotions. It is now festering out and remembering to keep my feelings expressed in the book about Stephanie and myself will help. Continuing to communicate my true feelings through my actions, my journaling, and being honest when talking with my family will be instrumental with my vulnerability.
God uses us light workers to help people find him in different ways. I hope that my recognition of my struggles with vulnerability will help in your own healing. We all have different paths when finding and looking for God’s love and help. Some are more traditional, some are a little more modern, or some may be seen as unconventional. No matter how much our paths are distanced or different, we can all learn from each other and recognize in our own time, if we trust and believe, we will always meet up again as our paths will be led back to our Creator.